How on earth

How on earth did I manage to kick the jackass out of my life? The answer is in the question...I got to the point where I could admit he was, can be, is a jackass...too much, too often for me. Now look - I'm a blue butterfly.
Get this, my hair smells like smoke again! I smell like I've been somewhere social. When was the last time? Honestly, I'd guess at about last spring...around when I quit smoking and cut back to one beer a week, then every two weeks, then hardly ever. Tonight I had wine, a cocktail, a few cigarettes. I'm tired. Played two concerts today. Two. One in a prison, and one in a church:) And they were both moving. Cheesy word, I know, but I was moved innerlich (German for in the inside, somehow). Playing Shostakovich Chamber Symphony for male prison inmates, together with children who can really play their instruments...that was moving. Sitting in a (surprisingly warm) huge dome-shaped church, lit mellow with candles and red lights, enjoying the glow and lilt of a simple Christmas carol, accompanying a soprano silk that wrapped my heart and sent it soaring, the invisible things suddenly again so soul-level colourful, stained glass shimmering innerlich, alles richtung Gott, the bigger, the biggest things in life...that was moving. There were butterflies back when they were building that church, or when that guy pulled the trigger oder?