Fleecy V signs

It's 3am in the morning and I have been awake since 1.30am not being able to sleep. The wind is howling outside and I just have this incredibly strange feeling that something bad has happened. I feel uneasy and my stomach has been churning for a few days now.

My great nan is getting progressively worse in hospital. The hospital has broached the question of whether to resusitate if she stops breathing and the family have said no. My gran is tired, her body is steadily shutting down, as its own way of saying 'I've had a good life, it's time'. I know that it is coming, I know that she has had a great life and that I love her with all my heart but it does not make it any easier. I know that she had a special softspot for me as I was her first great grandchild and as a result I was spoilt rotten by her. I thought she did that to all the family but I have learnt recently that I was the only one that she looked after in this way. She would sit me on her knee and tell me stories about her travels, we would rant at Wimbledon, make the best piccalilli together and just gossip about the family. My gran had the biggest dressing up cupboard ever, as she kept all the costumes that she wore in the local carnival that she took part in with a womens club every year.I remember spending hours trying them on...one day I was Queen Victoria, next day I was a clown. I would also spend hours dancing round her living room to the vinyl records that she had...from the Who to Bucks Fizz.
Having gran in hospital, makes me feel so incredibly guilty. I wish I could care for her in her last days with us. She took care of me and I feel that I should give her some dignity. I know that she is being looked after well but I still have this tremendous guilt.

I should be slumbering like a baby on a new mattress that I badgered my landlord for, but I just can't seem to get back to sleep. I've had a hot drink, I've watched the television a bit (what the hell is that Quiz tv thing on ITV? ) and I have done some reading but still those sheep don't want to jump over the fence and are lounging around on their fleecy arses giving me the V sign. This week I have felt exhausted and have had great difficulty in keeping my eyes open at work, so I really could do with some sleep.

Think I will have to go to the final resort and run at the wall and knock myself out. If I am careful about it, then I may fall backwards straight onto the mattress and have some comfort after impact. Knowing my luck though I would end up falling backwards onto the bed, bounce offthe super new springy mattress, hit the other wall opposite, ricochet in the other direction and land upside down behind my chest of drawers with Horace the spider for company. Hmm well here goes....